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Alec Baldwin’s wife became Hollywood’s Rachel Dolezal because of our sniveling, bootlicking press

The fading celebrity trophy life ranks as one of the easiest jobs of modern life.

Refresh your fillers enough that the Daily Mail can never describe you as “tired-looking” in a supposedly candid shot staged outside, pop out just enough children that your trainer and your plastic surgeon can nip you back into a size two, and develop just enough of a rapport with your mindless friends that they’ll buy whatever FitTea or slave-labor made swimsuit you’re paid to tag in your inexplicably popular Instagram posts.

Oh, and perhaps don’t pretend to be a borderline-racist caricature of a barely literate Latina woman when you’re actually whiter than Wonder Bread.

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