It’s 3 months since Kathy left us. A month for Mum.
I try every day to keep myself occupied and some days I succeed better than others.
I have donated Kathy’s and Mum’s clothes and am starting to sort through stored items. Neither task was welcomed but it’s not all in sadness.
Here’s a throwback pic of a pic. I believe taken in Hamilton where we attended a function of some sort, perhaps a wedding. It was stored in one of Kathy’s trunks along with a slew of items we packed away from her old apartment when we moved to the condo.
Kathy and I had been dating for just under a year when I was offered a transfer and promotion to manage the Vancouver office of the firm I worked for.
I said yes and Kathy and I promised one another we would maintain a long distance relationship.
That first summer away Kath came to visit for a month. I took some vacation and we explored BC and Washington state.
The day came when Kath had to head home and we said our goodbyes at the airport. The longing I felt on arriving back at my empty apartment has stayed fresh all these years.
Whenever Kathy and I had a fight which was rare despite her furious rep I would remember that day. Over the years it became a sort of touchstone for why our relationship was so right and worthwhile.
A little over two years later I quit my job. Kathy said come home and from the day I turned up on her doorstep we rarely spent more than 2 or 3 days apart.
We were good for each other and when we weren’t we patched things up knowing we were in it for the long haul and both of us better off for it.
When Kathy was diagnosed with cancer that longing, that memory of her parting returned. I felt selfish and told her that it was the first thought that sprang to mind but she understood.
Nothing prepares you for what Kath went through, for what we both went through.
She told me often how happy she was to wake up in recovery after her major surgery and see my smiling face.
And I remember the joy we shared when the doctor declared her “disease free” and also the dread when 3 months later Kathy noticed those familiar “pains” had returned.
Kathy was robbed one by one of life’s little pleasures. That’s what cancer does, it steals from you and your loved ones.
I’m not sure if I will ever watch another episode of CSI: Las Vegas.
Between Christmas and New Year a 24/7 marathon was on.
By then Kathy could only be semi-comfortable in the Lazy Boy so I slept on the couch and we watched every season together, falling asleep in fits and starts throughout the day and night.
My days were spent feeding her as best I could even though it became more futile with each passing day, giving her injections and otherwise trying, hoping to be some sort of useful.
But I learned what it means to be truly powerless, to know that nothing can be done to save the one you love.
To watch her fade away before my eyes.
To grow so weak she could no longer walk.
To bathe her in the morning lifting each weakened limb and feeling virtually no resistance.
To watch as she struggled with anguish and fear that I could not in any way assuage.
She pointed and I packed her clothes for her the trip to the hospice scheduled for Friday morning January 8th.
Her condition turned critical that morning just as the hospice transport arrived, they, against protocol, called 911 and the medics revived her so Kathy was to admitted to a local hospital.
Kathy smiled and waved as she watched me being made Covid proof in the ER outside her room.
We were granted a few more hours more together and I will always be grateful for that.
Kathy passed away the next morning.
I miss her every single day.
These last few days have been a bit more trying given I am sorting through our life together and I just felt a need to write something down, to vent a little.
Last night my niece texted me. She lost her husband to cancer not long before Christmas.
I found out She still talks to Kim just as I still talk to Kathy.
We agreed they have a way of lifting us when we are down.
As for Buddy and me, well we are managing best we can. He’s a good little guy. Likes ham a lot.
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