I was making coffee Sunday when it hit me. I remembered very clearly the day I purchased the coffee maker.
It was late fall in 2020.
I asked Kathy if she’d like to come for the ride to Costco to pick it up but she was too fatigued to tag along.
At that stage she seldom had energy to go out.
As I walked along in Costco I was numbed at the realization that I was going to have to get used to doing things without my shopping buddy.
One box ticked on the anticipatory grieving check list. You learn terms like “anticipatory grieving” from the folks in palliative care.
We began mourning the day Kathy was diagnosed but yes we hoped and prayed for a miracle that never came.
Kath was far more realistic about her chances than I had courage to face.
Grieving is like a derailed train in a tunnel. You clamber over or through or under the wrecked cars. Each has spilled its own cargo of emotion and there’s no escaping it.
Loss. Loneliness. Anger. Regret. Survivor guilt. Victimization. Hopelessness. Self-Pity. Name it you’ll encounter it at some point to some degree.
There are times when I catch myself holding on to the grief out of fear that I may one day forget her. Worrying that I might dishonor her memory by absent mindedly enjoying a moment without wishing she was there to share it. It’s a childish notion but my mind works the way it works despite knowing Kathy only ever wished me happiness.
Sunday was a lovely spring like day. It was the exact sort of day to be shared with a loved one.
I walked to the Farm Boy. Kathy had looked forward to its opening.
I chatted to her on the way back remarking on the day and the shopping hoping she was just off my shoulder tagging along.
That was the first time I’ve noticed the weather in a long while it seems.
The one year anniversary of Sainted Irish Mom’s passing was Saturday March 5th.
She was a great old gal. The family remembered her.
Not a day goes by that they aren’t in my thoughts and heart.
Today I was sorting the documents needed to file final taxes for both Mom and Kathy.
Thankfully one of our readers volunteered to handle their tax filings for last year and this.
I can’t begin to tell you what a relief that has been.
Thank you Jo. And thank you all.
Amazing what a coffee maker can brew up.
