I got word this week that my brother will be moved to a palliative care hospice at some point over the next two weeks.
It has been a long road for him and he has lasted far longer than anyone thought possible. His heart is finished and there is nothing that can be done save keep him comfortable.
He remains remarkably buoyant of spirit. I am in awe of his attitude and I know I will kick myself for taking our weekly phone calls for granted.
I do not wish his family the year of “firsts” that will follow his passing.
It can be odd what sticks in our memory.
I remember approaching the teller at my bank and explaining that “my wife recently passed away” and I needed to attend to some CRA business on her behalf.
I believe that is the first time I referred to Kathy in that way face to face. I won’t recount the details here but I recall every word of that conversation with the teller as if it was filmed.
Every day up to the anniversary of Kathy’s passing was a first and now into year two the second times arrive.
May 7th is Kathy’s Birthday and on the 8th is Mother’s Day. Both fall into the Second Time around category.
I will be taking my Sister in law to visit Mom and Dad’s resting place on Mother’s Day and afterwards we will share a meal with my brother.
I will visit Kathy’s resting place on her birthday. I plan to buy a cake and leave a piece for her. I hope I can find something with coconut on it. She liked coconut. It used to be easy as our birthdays are within a week of one another, we could pick a day to celebrate with one cake but we often had two;)
All the government paperwork for Kath & Mom is done now that their final taxes are complete although a few minor odds and ends may yet trickle in.
I guess this is how time wears the raw edges off, acts of grieving and living with loss become normalized by routine as 1st times become second times then 3rds and as I am finding eventually even the most heartbreaking of memories can be almost beaten into submission.
I am still sorting K’s personal papers a bit at a time and wondering what to do if anything about her literary estate. It’s new to me. If anyone knows anything about being a “literary executor” then let me know. Her books are out of print so there are no royalties. I have thought about a book collection of her “best” columns and infamous sayings as a way to remember her but need to determine posthumous publishing rights etc. Kath wrote for a number of publications over the years and each will have to be contacted as far as rights are concerned. Well I imagine so. I do plan to memorialize both her Facebook and Twitter accounts.
I even have an old camera with an undeveloped roll of film from our first cruise together, for whatever reason it got buried in our move. Yes I am searching for a developer. Can’t wait to see what’s in there.
A bit of advice for anyone unfortunate enough to suffer the loss of a loved one in Ontario.
If the assets of the estate are being transferred solely from one spouse to another i.e. a house and no other beneficiaries are mentioned then the will does not have to be probated. Do not let the banks try to bully you. Kathy used Royal Bank and they insisted the will be probated. They froze me out of Kathy’s accounts until I kicked up enough fuss. Probate may have entailed $1500.00 dollars in legal fees plus the cost in time of attendance at a hearing or two. During Covid it is my understanding the probate court wasn’t even hearing files and they now face a huge backlog.
Your loved one’s phone.
Kathy’s phone was under my plan. After a month or so I determined it was no longer necessary to keep her account active.
Kathy also used a subscription password protection software on her desktop for all her internet accounts. The subscription expired a couple of months ago unbeknownst to me.
Kath did leave a list of her important passwords but not all were included and unfortunately she put the wrong password in for the protection software.
When I try to access certain of her internet accounts I am asked for two part authentication requiring a code be texted to … Kathy’s phone.
So far it hasn’t caused any real problems and luckily I found an old document of K’s that had the correct version of the software password but it could have proved a real headache had it happened earlier.
I miss Kathy every day, Mom too. I miss my jobs as cook, chauffer and jar opener.
It can get a little lonely at times even though Xavier is a talkative fellow.
But I believe they’re watching over me & ensuring I get what I need as I wrestle with the way forward.
