Batshit Crazy Vegans

Despite what the documentaries tell you, a plant-based lifestyle isn’t better for your health and it certainly won’t save the planet

Canola oil, yeast, acidity regulator, methyl­cellulose, corn oil thickener, starch, gelling agent. “Hmm, I don’t like agents in my food,” says Jayne Buxton.

We’re in the refrigerator aisle of a well-known, high-end health-food supermarket in Richmond, London, reading the backs of packets of vegan ­sausages, burgers et al. As far as vegan products go, we’re dining at the Ritz.

Pastrami-style slices, scrambled tofu, vegan chorizo slices, jackfruit rendang, a canister of No-Egg Egg for £4.99. “That’s more than a carton of eggs,” says Buxton as she scans the ingredients. Gum cellulose dextrose, “That’s sugar. Do you want sugar with your eggs?”

Americans have renounced beef! Everyone’s eating plants! The vegan trend is supposedly so huge these days, we are in the midst of an identity crisis, The New York Times claimed recently. “When it comes to America’s legacy of Manifest Destiny, there’s perhaps no meal more symbolic than a bleeding steak. So who are we now that we’re consuming less red meat?” the paper of record blathered.

Cutting out animal products will kill us, not save us

Curious how acceptable veganism has become. George Orwell scathingly described vegetarians as “that dreary tribe of high-minded women and sandal-wearers and bearded fruit-juice drinkers who come flocking to the smell of ‘progress’ like bluebottles to a dead cat.” Somehow, via Linda McCartney’s textured soya sausages, veganism has become a mainstream path, not just to health, but to a bright future. As George Monbiot, the high priest of British veganism, exhorted his Guardian readers, “The best way to save the planet? Drop meat and dairy.” It’s the cows. They belch methane.

A former vegan has claimed that she started balding because her plant-only diet left her with vitamin deficiencies, and she now credits eating raw animal organs for saving her from poor health.

Erica Dobeck, 22, from Redondo Beach, California, had been vegan for a year when she began to notice a deterioration in her health that drastically affected her appearance, including her hairline.

A Reddit user asked the online community how to feel about the fact that a fellow colleague who’s vegan asked them to eat a hamburger outside.

“It’s Beyond Meat. Want a taste?”