Kathy Shaidle

Kathy lived for the CNE cat show. We practically built our August around it.

After being shut down by covid for two years running it was finally revived this year.

I felt an obligation to attend but was concerned I was torturing myself with grief and a desire to live in the past.

I asked some friends and they suggested I go but to also consider that some things may best be given up.

I went with a buddy and while it was fine I know it can never be the same.

Kathy was like a child among small critters, giddy with excitement and affection.

Those memories of Kathy’s delight will sustain me.

Tiny Tom donuts, a Kathy fave, and ice cream waffles made the day. No visit to the Ex was complete without these treats.

On Friday I went to visit Kathy’s resting place. It was one year to the day since her funeral.

I brought her some flowers and prayed and chatted though I could just as easily do the same at home. That’s how Kathy rolls.

Little things have happened that hint she is nearby keeping an eye on things, making sure I get what I need if not what I want. One day I may share them.

911 cut deep into Kathy.

It was a life changing event for her and privately she shed many tears for its victims over the years. One cannot be remembered without the other for me.

It is a rare day that passes without momentarily imagining she’ll be opening the front door soon or I’ll catch a glimpse of her working away at her computer and all will be right again.

I think it will be OK if I attend the cat show next year.

I gotta buy Kath her Tiny Toms ya know.

It was Kathy who decided we would be wed in Vegas having abandoned our original plans for a church wedding thanks to the Kennedy clan’s sinister reach.

Payback for Kathy’s JFK conspiracy fascination? Who knows what evil lurks in Hyannis Port?

Well not quite.

To marry in the church we would have to take marriage classes for 2 years. This was in part, at least as I recall, a sort of penance for my previous marriage and divorce.

Fine and good until a Kennedy scion got divorced and was allowed to remarry in a church blessed ceremony all within 6 months.

Kathy was rightly incensed at this two tiered Catholicism.

So it was arrivederci Roma and Viva Las Vegas.

I can’t say I was sorry to miss out on 2 years of classes.

Kathy made arrangements at “The Little Church of The West” and I secured our flight and booked us into the MGM Grand.

We were not long moved into our condo so to save a bit of money Kathy decided she would use her Grandma’s wedding and engagement rings.

We had them resized and polished up at Birks on Bay and Bloor.

They looked great on Kathy’s finger that Saturday morning we went to pick them up.

Then the matter of my wedding ring came up.

The salesperson brought out a selection of their finest or whatever they had on hand after sizing up my wallet and likelihood to purchase.

Bottom line the cheapest of the lot would have run me a thousand bucks. I have never been a fan of jewelry and own only a couple of cheap watches. A thousand bucks did not make sense to me.

Kathy was mortified explaining in a voice cracking with hurt that money should not be an object at a time like this.

I explained that I could get a pretty good band at the Bay for 100 to 150 bucks and we could use the rest as spending money on our Vegas honeymoon.

We walked in dead silence to the Bay. If looks could kill every living thing between Birks and the Bay would have been wiped out in a Kathygeddon.

I bought the band. It remains on my finger and I do not believe I have taken it off more than a half dozen times since we were married.

Kathy forgave me and I apologized for tarnishing her expectations. Give and take. I would not trade my band for anything. Meaning cannot be quantified in a ledger.

It was our anniversary this week. We were married in 2008.

Vegas was in the middle of a heat wave. We were hot on the slot machines.

Pip was left behind in the care of a friend who graciously volunteered as a cat sitter.

I recall Kathy remarking some years later that we sure talked about Pip a lot. She loved her little pal.

It was a wonderful week.

The pic I took of Kathy when we went walking in a Hamilton park.

It was then she told me that the pain in her side was growing worse.

Neither of us mentioned Ovarian cancer though I am certain we both feared the worst.

On the way home our route took us past the cemetery. Kathy did not wish to stop to visit her Mom’s resting place.

I felt a chill as an inner voice told me we would be back.

About ten days later at Mt. Sinai Kathy was informed of a “malignancy.”

Today was lovely. A perfect day to stop by Kathy’s resting place with a small bouquet to say hello and give thanks.

Later I stopped by to see my brother in hospice. He is as good as it gets under the circumstances.

We’re still waiting for the OK to bring him some beers.

It’s been a busy week. We checked my brother into the hospice.

As wheelman for my sister-in-law we have visited 4 times so far.

Saturday we stopped by Kathy’s resting place and wished her a Happy Birthday.

Next was Mom and Dad for Mother’s day then on to visit my brother.

My brother is doing well, very weak but determined to remain active.

He has so far taken part in the cooking and gardening activities, music class is next.

A friend wrote about how Kathy would put a humorous spin on the fact she was born on the day Northern Dancer won the Kentucky Derby.  Her absentee Dad would always call and wish her a Happy Birthday on Derby day regardless of the actual date.

Kathy told me of the times her dad would take her to the track on visitation days if he bothered to show up at all.  I attended her father’s funeral. He died penniless yet one of his low-rent Rat Pack pals chose the funeral to inform Kathy her Dad owed him 8oo bucks. I’m surprised Kath handled that as politely as she did. I have a photo of Northern Dancer given to K by her father, it may have been framed at one time but now it sits rolled up among her things.

I brought Kathy a cupcake with candle and some flowers yesterday. It was a lovely spring day for her birthday.

I was reminded how much Kathy loved High Park in the spring with its Cherry Blossoms and Chipmunks that she loved to feed.

I remember the annual Squirrel babies birth in the tree outside the front window of her tiny apartment. She was always so excited to have a front row seat to watch their progress.

Mostly I remember how lucky I was.

 

I got word this week that my brother will be moved to a palliative care hospice at some point over the next two weeks.

It has been a long road for him and he has lasted far longer than anyone thought possible. His heart is finished and there is nothing that can be done save keep him comfortable.

He remains remarkably buoyant of spirit. I am in awe of his attitude and I know I will kick myself for taking our weekly phone calls for granted.

I do not wish his family the year of “firsts” that will follow his passing.

It can be odd what sticks in our memory.

I remember approaching the teller at my bank and explaining that “my wife recently passed away” and I needed to attend to some CRA business on her behalf.

I believe that is the first time I referred to Kathy in that way face to face.  I won’t recount the details here but I recall every word of that conversation with the teller as if it was filmed.

Every day up to the anniversary of Kathy’s passing was a first and now into year two the second times arrive.

May 7th is Kathy’s Birthday and on the 8th is Mother’s Day. Both fall into the Second Time around category.

I will be taking my Sister in law to visit Mom and Dad’s resting place on Mother’s Day and afterwards we will share a meal with my brother.

I will visit Kathy’s resting place on her birthday. I plan to buy a cake and leave a piece for her. I hope I can find something with coconut on it. She liked coconut. It used to be easy as our birthdays are within a week of one another, we could pick a day to celebrate with one cake but we often had two;)

All the government paperwork for Kath & Mom is done now that their final taxes are complete although a few minor odds and ends may yet trickle in.

I guess this is how time wears the raw edges off, acts of grieving and living with loss become normalized by routine as 1st times become second times then 3rds and as I am finding eventually even the most heartbreaking of memories can be almost beaten into submission.

I am still sorting K’s personal papers a bit at a time and wondering what to do if anything about her literary estate. It’s new to me. If anyone knows anything about being a “literary executor” then let me know. Her books are out of print so there are no royalties. I have thought about a book collection of her “best” columns and infamous sayings as a way to remember her but need to determine posthumous publishing rights etc. Kath wrote for a number of publications over the years and each will have to be contacted as far as rights are concerned. Well I imagine so. I do plan to memorialize both her Facebook and Twitter accounts.

I even have an old camera with an undeveloped roll of film from our first cruise together, for whatever reason it got buried in our move.  Yes I am searching for a developer. Can’t wait to see what’s in there.

A bit of advice for anyone unfortunate enough to suffer the loss of a loved one in Ontario.

If the assets of the estate are being transferred solely from one spouse to another i.e. a house and no other beneficiaries are mentioned then the will does not have to be probated. Do not let the banks try to bully you. Kathy used Royal Bank and they insisted the will be probated. They froze me out of Kathy’s  accounts until I kicked up enough fuss. Probate may have entailed $1500.00 dollars in legal fees plus the cost in time of attendance at a hearing or two. During Covid it is my understanding the probate court wasn’t even hearing files and they now face a huge backlog.

Your loved one’s phone.

Kathy’s phone was under my plan.  After a month or so I determined it was no longer necessary to keep her account active.

Kathy also used a subscription password protection software on her desktop for all her internet accounts. The subscription expired a couple of months ago unbeknownst to me.

Kath did leave a list of her important passwords but not all were included and unfortunately she put the wrong password in for the protection software.

When I try to access certain of her internet accounts I am asked for two part authentication requiring a code be texted to … Kathy’s phone.

So far it hasn’t caused any real problems and luckily I found an old document of K’s that had the correct version of the software password but it could have proved a real headache had it happened earlier.

I miss Kathy every day, Mom too. I miss my jobs as cook, chauffer and jar opener.

It can get a little lonely at times even though Xavier is a talkative fellow.

But I believe they’re watching over me & ensuring I get what I need as I wrestle with the way forward.

I was making coffee Sunday when it hit me. I remembered very clearly the day I purchased the coffee maker.

It was late fall in 2020.

I asked Kathy if she’d like to come for the ride to Costco to pick it up but she was too fatigued to tag along.

At that stage she seldom had energy to go out.

As I walked along in Costco I was numbed at the realization that I was going to have to get used to doing things without my shopping buddy.

One box ticked on the anticipatory grieving check list. You learn terms like “anticipatory grieving” from the folks in palliative care.

We began mourning the day Kathy was diagnosed but yes we hoped and prayed for a miracle that never came.

Kath was far more realistic about her chances than I had courage to face.

Grieving is like a derailed train in a tunnel. You clamber over or through or under the wrecked cars. Each has spilled its own cargo of emotion and there’s no escaping it.

Loss. Loneliness. Anger. Regret. Survivor guilt. Victimization. Hopelessness. Self-Pity.  Name it you’ll encounter it at some point to some degree.

There are times when I catch myself holding on to the grief out of fear that I may one day forget her. Worrying that I might dishonor her memory by absent mindedly enjoying a moment without wishing she was there to share it. It’s a childish notion but my mind works the way it works despite knowing Kathy only ever wished me happiness.

Sunday was a lovely spring like day. It was the exact sort of day to be shared with a loved one.

I walked to the Farm Boy. Kathy had looked forward to its opening.

I chatted to her on the way back remarking on the day and the shopping hoping she was just off my shoulder tagging along.

That was the first time I’ve noticed the weather in a long while it seems.

The one year anniversary of Sainted Irish Mom’s passing was Saturday March 5th.

She was a great old gal. The family remembered her.

Not a day goes by that they aren’t in my thoughts and heart.

Today I was sorting the documents needed to file final taxes for both Mom and Kathy.

Thankfully one of our readers volunteered to handle their tax filings for last year and this.

I can’t begin to tell you what a relief that has been.

Thank you Jo. And thank you all.

Amazing what a coffee maker can brew up.

Kathy’s Star – The star’s name is Kathy, visible to us and very bright. In the Phoenix galaxy for the Unforgettable and of course, for those who rise.

A lovely remembrance of Kathy from her friend Lynn Crosbie.

Thank you.

A long but good day despite being a little misty at times.

The weather was excellent and we all enjoyed the beautiful sunshine that blessed Kathy’s service.

The rain held until we all went our separate ways, some to an impromptu lunch, others home and all of us missing Kathy but joyfully animated in remembrance of my beloved.

Father Jim officiated and Rick delivered the eulogy I posted earlier today. It has been deservedly well received.

Others like Richard and Ezra and the funniest vet you’ll ever meet Dr. Kyla spoke of their admiration and affection for Kath.

Yes K’s marker really does say “Get Off My Lawn” – (Thanks for the pic Margaret)

It was a nice turnout and I enjoyed meeting Kathy’s friends and fans.

I have been sustained by the love you have expressed for Kathy. I do not think she ever imagined the positive impact she had on so many.

But she knows now and smiles upon us.

And I never forget that I am luckiest of all.

Had a seeming necessity not dictated I would have rescheduled for a weekend as I know many more would have loved to attend.

My other regret is that covid forced a delay past Lilac season.

They were Kathy’s favourite sign of spring and the summer to come.

Next year you will have your Lilacs Kathy. I promise.

More pics from Kathy’s friends on her FB page.

 

Kathy Shaidle was the most honest person I’ve ever known. If she was around to be honest with us today I’m sure she’d say that she really didn’t want to see us here, almost as much as she’d say that she’d really rather not be here, herself.

Kathy was never afraid of candor or controversy or hurt feelings. She was tough and, at a time when the word is thrown around far too often, truly brave. Kathy set a standard for public behaviour and personal loyalty that we, the people she left behind, are forced to live up to in her absence.

Like many of us, I first met Kathy online, but I was lucky enough to transfer that friendship to the real world, where I came to rely on Kathy for her unerring ability to cut through clouds of error and confusion, starting with her own. Kathy had no patience for Pontius Pilate’s “What is truth?” She knew the truth was out there, and that even when it was hard to find, there was no excuse to settle for flattering lies.

Kathy made enemies, but what she talked about less was how she made friends, often at a distance of hundreds or even thousands of miles. That was her superpower – with little more than her words she let you know who you were dealing with, and her honesty and heedless candor became a magnet that pulled us into her orbit.

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Kathy will be laid to rest on Thursday Sept 9th at 11 AM.

White Chapel Memorial Gardens

1895 Main St W, Hamilton, ON L8S 1J2

(905) 528-1128

Kathy’s resting place will be in “The Garden of the Last Supper”  Lot 69 B1.

A religious service will be conducted at graveside including a few words from friends.

All who wish to say their goodbyes are welcome to attend.

I will see you there.

Arnie

Note: Post is a sticky new posts will appear below.

Sitting in the comfort of my “home office”, such as it is, with a small amount of sunlight coming in, I’m going to try to take a stab at writing the thing I never wanted to write – the thing I dreaded putting into words because it would make it real. Of course Mark Steyn has set the bar very high with his touching tribute, and my friend Andrew Lawton has some lovely words here as well. But I’m struggling.

How do I get my fingers to type the words that will express my grief about the death of my incredible friend Kathy Shaidle without sounding maudlin or self-serving?